DEATH RACE

Nothing in director Paul W.S. Anderson's schlock drawer - not "Mortal Kombat," not "Event Horizon," not "Resident Evil," not "Alien vs. Predator" - prepares you for the peppy, good-time nastiness that is "Death Race." It's a loose remake of "Death Race 2 " (1975), which imagined a bloodthirsty nation crazy for a cross-country rally full of flying, dying spectators and ruthlessly sociopathic drivers, not to mention Mary Woronov as the most fearsome thing on four wheels. Anderson's version goes its own frenetic way, and it's one of those vicious larks that just plain hit the spot. It hits the spot, throws 'er into reverse and hits the spot again, before machine-gunning it and ramming it head-on for the fun of it. Sadistic? Yessir. But our hero, a seething kettle of violence played by Jason Statham, is a devoted father of a sweet little girl who needs him, so it's sadism with a heart.

The '75 version veered wildly from camp to slapstick to gore. This one's a more even-toned affair, heavy on the gun-metal-gray color palette and the abandoned-foundry aesthetic. The year is 2 12. Economy's ruined. The prison system lies in the clutches of private enterprise, and the most maximum of all maximum-security prisons is Terminal Island, where rough men lead rough lives and the bravest of them compete in the nation's most popular sporting event: Death Race.

The warden, who apparently grew up catching "Brute Force" at every available prison-film retrospective, controls everything about the murderous affair: who gets to deploy weaponry, and when, and who might win his freedom. Joan Allen plays this authoritarian witch with a steely, implacable air. Despite what appear to be dangerous levels of forehead-freezification (hope it's temporary!), Allen's quite good. In his 1.3-note way, so is Statham, whose abs have already signed up for the "Death Race" sequel, along with his glower.Ian McShane has a high old time as Statham's grizzled Robert Duvall-esque racing coach. Tyrese Gibson brings the full seethe to the role of Machine Gun Joe, chief rival of Statham's Jensen Ames. And as Ames' cohort, track adviser and cleavage administrator, Natalie Martinez really knows how to get out of a tricked-out vehicle in slow motion while removing her sunglasses.

I'm making the movie out to be a different sort of cheese than it is, I fear. Anderson, who wrote the script, lays out the big frame-up (Ames takes the rap for his wife's murder) in a way that's efficient and effective. Aping the conventional three-act screenplay structure, the story's three races provide natural off-track breathers for ... well, for various other ways to kill somebody, or nearly.Anderson's visual-spatial skills are limited at best: You never get the crucial establishing shot of the damn track, for one thing, for another, Anderson never seems to quit moving the frame in that "NYPD Blue"-derived whoopsie-daisy-can't-hold-still style. Yet I came out of "Death Race" strangely satisfied. It's just junk and noise and blood lust and decapitations plus "Wacky Races" gimmickry. (Let's amend that: It's "Wacky Bloodthirsty Sadistic Races" gimmickry.) But the audience whooped it up when the Statham and Gibson characters conspired to destroy that souped-up prison truck with the flamethrower in Race 2.Of course it's like a video game. So was "Shoot 'Em Up," which I hated. So was "Wanted," which I didn't like much. I like this one. I admire its purity of heart and frankness of intention, and even though Anderson has a lot to learn about shaping an extended action sequence, when that big truck flipped up in the air, vanquished, I was, like, wow. Cool.

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TROPIC THUNDER

My favorite gag in "Tropic Thunder" comes just before "Tropic Thunder" itself, in a movie trailer touting a fake movie called "Satan's Alley." (That's an in-joke for all you "Staying Alive" freaks, "Satan's Alley" was the Broadway musical John Travolta cavorted in.) The pretend drama, a kind of "Brokeback Monk-Man," stars five-time Oscar winner Kirk Lazarus as a tormented 18th century Irish priest who has big love for a fellow Man of God. Robert Downey Jr. plays Lazarus, and the wordlessly soulful goo-goo eyes he gives fellow sinner Tobey Maguire sets a high comic bar for "Tropic Thunder" to beat.

It doesn't beat it, in fact. The first adjective that comes to mind regarding director and co-writer Ben Stiller's comedy is "massive." While the film is funny, too, its size and scale inform the joke half of the time and compete with it the other half. But its sharpest arrows take precise aim at a hornet's nest of Hollywood egos.

Stiller, Downey and Jack Black play the leading actors stuck in a quagmire of a Vietnam War film, "Tropic Thunder," based on the memoirs of "Four-Leaf" Tayback (Nick Nolte). The Vietnam veteran and the film's hapless director (Steve Coogan) decide to break loose and "go native," aided by the special-effects explosives expert (Danny McBride). For maximum realism they venture deep into the jungle. Then the local drug lords take notice of this apparent threat. The fake war movie becomes a real one, while back in Hollywood, studio chief Les Grossman (Tom Cruise, amusing in an uncredited supporting role and a good deal of artificial pudge) tries to work up some concern while openly relishing the danger, not to mention the potential box office.

Clueless, preening actors unaware of their situation: That's the idea here. The gore is played for queasy laughs, as is, dubiously, the running gag about a film Stiller's character is trying to put behind him, "Simple Jack," about a mentally challenged farmhand. (The film's "retard" references have led to a threatened boycott by various disabilities groups.)When the film works, it's less about strident outrageousness and more about wit, and finding the right way to twist the "Platoon" and "Apocalypse Now" cliches into pretzels. My second-favorite sight gag involves Stiller's action-hero character, Tugg Speedman, rescuing what he assumes will be a grateful war orphan. But the steadiest supplier of laughs is Downey, who's playing a Serious Actor maniacally committed to his craft. How committed? He undergoes a controversial skin treatment to render him African-American in appearance so he can play the black platoon sergeant, thereby relegating the cast's actual African-American (Brandon T. Jackson) to a secondary role. I think we can agree that blackface humor is dicey humor. For it to be humor at all is an accomplishment. Fresh off "Iron Man" and looking like Fred Williamson in his "Inglorious Bastards" heyday, burying a Russell Crowe dialect deep inside the character voice he's developed for badassss Sgt. Osiris, Downey makes the conceit work because he's constantly trying to make two portrayals work, in tandem.

In the end "Tropic Thunder" is an expensive goof about an expensive goof, and the results are very impressive and fancy-looking. (John Toll shot it, he was the director of photography on "The Thin Red Line," among other epics.) Too impressive, really, to fully unleash the humor in the situations. Here's the litmus test: If you smile at the wild-eyed pose Downey strikes in the poster for "Tropic Thunder," you'll probably get your nine bucks' worth.

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The Tales of Beedle the Bard (Harry Potter Series)

This is why J.K. Rowling is so famous, because not only does she write books that fill our imagination and create worlds that ACTUALLY we believe. I mean when I was eleven I remembered wondering if I would get MY letter. Who else could do something like that? But, then, she comes and gives us a book that was within the books that brought things to life. How could it become any more realistic? It's now seriously tangible and I can't help but applaud that brilliance. J.K. Rowling is a true stroke of genius.

After the horrid let down of her last book, she decides to come out with a crappy little wizards fairy tale book. That is sad. It's like a small 'I'm sorry for rushing my last book so I could have a normal life again.'book. She doesn't need the money. Is it because she's worried people are talking more about the next Spiderman or Batman movie then her sad little books? I have read all her novels and seen the movies and eaten the Every flavor beans and the chocolate frogs. I liked the first 3 books. But then the franchise took the express elevator to manic depressive ville. The books became a let down the movies became horrid. I kept reading, hoping things would get better, that maybe she was having a crappy year or some form of slump. But no, she just started to write like crap. Face it, are you happy with how the last book ended? It's nice to have hope about her new little release. But I won't be holding my breath for it. If it's more then an inch thick I think you'll be lucky. But as for me, I'm done with reading her drivel.
The Tales of Beedle the Bard, a Wizarding classic, first came to Muggle readers' attention in the book known as Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Now, thanks to Hermione Granger's new translation from the ancient runes, we present this stunning edition with an introduction, notes, and illustrations by J. K. Rowling, and extensive commentary by Albus Dumbledore. Never before have Muggles been privy to these richly imaginative tales: "The Wizard and the Hopping Pot," "The Fountain of Fair Fortune," "The Warlock's Hairy Heart," "Babbitty Rabbitty and Her Cackling Stump," and of course, "The Tale of the Three Brothers." The stories are accompanied by delightful pen-and-ink illustrations by Ms. Rowling herself, featuring a still-life frontispiece for each one. Professor Dumbledore's commentary-apparently written some eighteen months before his death-reveals not just his vast knowledge of Wizarding lore, but also more of his personal qualities: his sense of humor, his courage, his pride in his abilities, and his hard-won wisdom. Names familiar from the Harry Potter novels sprinkle the pages, including Aberforth Dumbledore, Lucius Malfoy and his forebears, and Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington (or "Nearly Headless Nick"), as well as other professors at Hogwarts and the past owners of the Elder Wand. Dumbledore tells us of incidents unique to the Wizarding world, like hilariously troubled theatrical productions at Hogwarts or the dangers of having a "hairy heart." But he also reveals aspects of the Wizarding world that his Muggle readers might find all too familiar, like censorship, intolerance, and questions about the deepest mysteries in life. But not only are thesetales the equal of fairy tales we now know and love, reading them gives new insight into the world of Harry Potter. This purchase also represents another very important form of giving: From every sale of this book, Scholastic will give its net proceeds to the CHILDREN'S HIGH LEVEL GROUP, a charity cofounded in 2005 by J.K. Rowling and Baroness Nicholson of Winterbourne, MEP. CHLG campaigns to protect and promote children's rights and make life better for vulnerable young people.

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A Piece of Naruto: Hokage Memoirs

With cool fight scenes and ninjas galore, its no wonder why Naruto is one of the hottest anime to come out of Japan of late. Another possible reason for its popularity is that it's an underdog story and as the old saw goes, everyone loves an underdog. Naruto, as we learn from the series, is a victim of circumstance. But in spite of this, Naruto strives to become a Hokage (the highest rank of a ninja), which will earn him honor and respect. Way to go Naruto! So everyone, show your support for Naruto and visit these sites pronto!

Naruto EX
http://www.narutoex.com/
The webmaster says that the site was made using Adobe Photoshop, Notepad and a lot of patience. And the result is truly excellent web resource that is Naruto EX. Note that the splash image is merely a jump-off to the site itself; you will get a pop-up screen and all the contents will be displayed there. Hence if, you do not see anything happen after clicking the splash image, check your pop-up blocker. One of the nicer things about this site is that it has a geographic map of the Five Great Shinobe Countries as well as the other surrounding countries. The Chakra guide is also a nice feature of the site, as well as the Shinobe Rankings. I once played Final Fantasy Tactics during my PSP days and you can use one turn of the Ninja to use Chakra. I was able to appreciate what that meant only now (you can always learn something new, even in anime!). Ninja Apparel and Tools/Weapons is also discussed in detail, a major plus if you are into Ninja history. Want something really cool? Head-on to the "Multimedia Section". Here, you'll find the best Naruto animated gifts around! They're simply amazing. Sharp images and animation. And the quantity of animated gifts you can get here is astounding. Mind the webmaster's usage policy - a lot of time and effort was expended to make these. The other sections in Multimedia provide you equally stunning graphics, proof of the webmaster's proficiency in the editing. The "Naruto Music Section" will keep you occupied for quite some time too. MP3-encoded files for your listening pleasure. Naruto EX is a treasure-trove of graphics and information; thank the webmaster by clicking on the paypal button now! (Not that I'm endorsing anyone or any site).

Naruto Fan: Your #1 Naruto Source
http://www.narutofan.com/
This website blew me away - not so much by the humongous content but by the webmasters themselves. There are three "Head Webmasters" and two "junior" ones. You might say: "Well, that must be the reason why the site is so great, they've got five people maintaining it". But it's not the reason at all. The webmasters ae just aged between 15 to 17 and are from the different continents, namely the US, Canada, New Zealand and the UK! Now isn't that something? Their over 20,000 membership list is testament to their claim to fame as the #1 Naruto source. And look at the wide selection of information at your fingertip's! Best of all, you can get the full anime and manga episodes by downloading it from here. But first, you need to get the BitTorrent client.
Whoa! What's BitTorrent?::: BitTorrent is a peer-to-peer sharing program, which basically means that there is no central server for sharing files. Instead, you get bits of file from those in the network who are sharing it. Do note, however that this publication is not responsible for files that you download from the net using this or any other peer-topeer network. Just a bit of information for you to know. And knowing is half the battle....
Naruto Fan is chock full of information on backgroundres, as well as indepth analyses of the anime's more salient points, such as the battle guides, character comparison charts, chuunin exams, logos and symbols. If Naruto was subject in school, you can head straight to this site and get most of the information you need to get an excellent report! And what's anime site without an image gallery? NarutoFan has lots of unbelievably sharp screenshots, as well as fan gallery. There are also game reviews (video games and cards) that will surely appeal to the gamer in you. NarutoFan is absolutely a must-visit for any, well, Naruto fan. The color scheme is fantastic, the content amazing. Whatever baby formula the webmasters ingested during their infancy, their parents simply must share it with the rest of the world.

Naruto Central: Your #1 online source for Naruto
http://www.narutocentral.com/
Naruto Central employs a simpler, more conventional layout. Head straight to the "Information Center" and click on "Creator's Child History", where the childhood influences of Masashi Kishimoto (the creator of Naruto) are revealed. Ten short chapters make for some interesting reading. Some interesting details can be found here. Much to my chagrin, I also learned that kishimoto-san is younger than me! The "In-depth Information" section gives you... in-depth information (duh!) on various elements surrounding the world of Naruto. For example, well defined sections on the Clans, the known demons (which make you relize just how deep Naruto" historical background is), Death List (a Who's who of who-killed-who), and lots more. When your brain can't take in another bit of Naruto, head off to the "Multimedia Section". MP3s of the soundtracks can be had here, as well as midis for your polyphonic phones and - get this - music videos! These can you can find only in Naruto Central. Wallpapers, avatars and icons also abound in this section for your enjoyment. And here's a nice touch. Visit the "Extra Section" and you'll find unique content, such a the jigsaw puzzles, fanfics and an origami guide to making your own 5-point shuriken! Naruto Central is easy to navigate and has an equal balance of information and fun. Definitely two thumbs-up for this site.

There are tons of other cool Naruto sites out there and here are some special mentions:

Naruto Chuushin
http://www.narutochuushin.com/
Naruto Chuushin is dotted with ads embedded into the site but sift through those and you get another nice place to download songs from the soundtrack and Naruto info of course.

Naruto Bloodline: Supplying those Naruto Fanatics Daily
http://www.narutobl.com/
Sharp and clean layout, with the details, all n eatly laid out in the menu at the left. Bloodline is relatively new, with a comprehensive membership package in the works. the "Multimedia" section is also in progress and the "Forums" section is just starting out. Be one of the veteran Bloodline member! Naruto Bloodline has the looks of a site that will be a definite stopover for Naruto fans everywhere.

Naruto Insight: You Naruto Info &Media Resource
http://www.narutoinsight.com/
The "Advanced Bloodlines" in the "Information Index" menu was quite interesting. Some charaters' blood heritage can be determined through their particular eye and aura characteristics. The Ninja ranks are also described in detail.

Naruto-kun: The Palace where all Ninjas meet
http://www.naruto-kun.com/
Loads of guides here. the "Media" section contains full episodes as well as game clips. Membership perks available.

Other Links: You know how to read kanji? God for you! Then head-on to the following sites..
TV Tokyo's Naruto site
http://www.tv-tokyo.co.jp/anime/naruto/
The Official Naruto Website
http://www.naruto.com/

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The Dark Knight

Sensational, grandly sinister and not for the kids, "The Dark Knight" elevates pulp to a very high level. Heath Ledger's Joker takes it higher still, and the 28-year-old actor's death earlier this year of an accidental overdose lends the film an air of a funeral and a rollicking, out-of-control wake mixed together. In "The Dark Knight," Ledger makes all other comic-book screen villains look like Baby Huey. Like Shakespeare's Iago or Richard III, like Anthony Hopkins' Hannibal Lecter or Javier Bardem's implacable murderer in "No Country for Old Men," this is no Method psychopath, asking or telling anyone about his character's motivation. At one point Ledger throws up his hands and says, agitatedly, that it's a waste of time looking for a rationale behind the Joker's smeary Insane Clown Posse makeup."I'm a dog chasing cars," he says. "I wouldn't know what to do with one of them if I caught it."Director and co-writer Christopher Nolan, who fashioned the screenplay with his brother, Jonathan, has created the most ambitious and sleekly beautiful of all the superhero screen outings. A handful of others - "Superman II" and "Spider-Man 2" come to mind - may have fewer loose ends and a more exhilarating spirit. They're certainly shorter, this one is 152 minutes. But "The Dark Knight," which improves upon the solemn authority Nolan and Christian Bale's Bruce Wayne brought to "Batman Begins," has an atmospheric shimmer all its own. Its unsung hero is cinematographer Wally Pfister, who makes every interior and exterior a thing of burnished, menacing beauty. Shot largely in Chicago at night, greatly aided by production designer Nathan Crowley, this is the most nocturnally insinuating entertainment since Michael Mann's "Collateral."Sampling every flat Midwestern dialect he no doubt heard while shooting in Chicago, Ledger gives the Joker the deceptively bland vowel sounds of heartland America. But Gotham City is no heartland paradise. It teeters on the verge of bloody anarchy, and its most outré citizen licks his chops, literally, as if he can't get the taste of blood out of his mouth.While billionaire playboy Wayne continues his clean-up campaign, Gotham City finds a new symbol of righteous hope, district attorney Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart). He has it all: a fervent desire to clean up a dirty town, plus the love and devotion of Wayne's ex, the assistant D.A. and one of a small handful of Gothamites who know Batman's true identity. She's played by Maggie Gyllenhaal, stepping in for (and improving on) Katie Holmes. Gyllenhaal's curled-at-the-corners smile matches up perfectly with Bale's.The D.A. teams up with Batman and the weary honest cop Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman in a mustache that says "trust me") to combat organized crime, though Batman's vigilantism has inspired all sorts of copycat, low-rent imitators. Then, just when the film needs a good jolt, Dent undergoes a radical physical and psychological transformation and becomes, literally, two-faced.The transformation comes at a narrative cost. The film's focus is thrown slightly out of whack, and it's too bad his coin-flipping gambit is so like that of "No Country's" Anton Chigurh. Not everything in "The Dark Knight" works: Some of the more painful flourishes - a grenade plopped in a bank manager's mouth, the terrorization of Gordon's children - are too much. Yet so much of "The Dark Knight" works on different levels simultaneously. It's a brooding crime saga with some spectacular action sequences. My favorite pits Bale's Batman and his "Bat-Pod," the world's deadliest, most awesome motorcycle, against Ledger's Joker in an 18-wheeler. The setting is Chicago's LaSalle Street canyon, and what I love about the scene - aside from its eerie, 3 a.m. vibe - is Nolan's reliance on good old-fashioned stunt work. "The Dark Knight" offers plenty of digital effects, but they never take over.Nineteen years ago, Jack Nicholson's Joker won a lot of the credit for the popularity of director Tim Burton's "Batman." In contrast to that stylish but uneven picture, one of the splendid things about "The Dark Knight" is its refusal to squander its villain. This is a true ensemble piece, and you can't say that of most $18 million franchise products. Ledger's scenes are few, carefully considered, often startlingly brutal (one scene, over in an eye-blink, involves a disappearing pencil trick and a man's skull) and freakishly effective.Six sequences constituting about 2 minutes of footage were shot using IMAX cameras, including the opening bank heist and a fabulous swoop across the Hong Kong skyline. (The narrative takes a detour for a matter of extraditing an Asian businessman back to Gotham and to justice.) There's a sweep and spaciousness to the imagery here, and even a simple chase sequence such as the one staged along Lower Wacker Drive feels freshly considered. The violence, however rough, is largely free of the lingering, jokey sadism prevalent in so many comic-book and graphic novel-derived films. Nolan paints an inky portrait of a city falling apart, and in a movie rife with two-faced masquerading freaks, the Joker is merely the least conflicted of the bunch. Ledger's work is improbably droll, impossibly creepy, meticulously detailed. See for yourself.

The Sexiest Movie Scenes

Is it the scene, or did the movie screen just fog up? Must be these movie moments be so steamy that temperatures can't help but rise. Below are just some of the sexiest movie scenes, note that it's sexy - not sex - scenes because some of these unforgettable scenes did happen with the stars fully clothed and - gasp! - just talking.

From Here To Eternity (1947)

Sure it's been parodied to death, the lovers kissing on the beach scene, but watch the original scene from the Oscar-winning film and you too will also swept away. Beautiful screen pair Deborah Kerr plays an unhappily married army wife and Burt Lancaster plays a sergeant assigned in Honolulu. In the midst of World War II, their intense adulterous affair begins. The famous beach scene begins with the waves crashing and then ebbing to reveal two bodies locked in a passionate embrace. She breaks the marathon kissing and runs toward her towel, but he tackles her and they engage in yet another round of marathon kissing. She tells him, "No one's ever kissed me like you do." Somehow, we got that, too.

Body Heat (1981)
By general consensus, this film noir from director Lawrence Kasdan (The Big Chill, Bodyguard) has one of the sexiest movie scenes ever. It features smokin' hot Kathleen Turner, who makes feature film debut and gorgeous William Hurt. She plays Matty, a scheming southern Florida wife who ensnares a willing pawn - that would be Ned, Hurt's cousin - into a scheme to murder her husband and collect money off it. The two get it on, so to speak, early in the movie. Turner begins her game of seduction by inviting Ned home ostensibly to listen to wind chimes on her porch. Yeah, right. Then she puts on the nice girl act and sends Ned home. He puts on the gentleman act and obliges. But, of course, the horn dog returns, only to find her waiting for him inside, with a glass door locked. He crashes through her house and the first of a number of wild, passionate love scenes smolders away.

Boogie Nights (1997)
Director Paul Thomas Anderson's (Magnolia) movie about porn flicks and its "stars" has, as you might have guessed, many sex scenes, but most of them are more about grifty, so un-sexy side of the sex movie business. It's set in the '70s at San Fernando Valley, California and it follows the "rise" and fall of a dishwasher (Mark walhberg), later renamed as Dirk Diggler, who gets a break as a "star" in adult films. One of the film's genuinely erotic scenes begins when veteran porn star Amber Waves (Julianne Moore) guides newcomer Dirk through his first sex scene. But during the course of the sex encounter, the jaded veteran porn star feels something unexpected, she is actually, genuinely aroused. And we all know that is the main ingredient for a truly hot scene.

Out of sight (1998)
When we talk about this movie, particularly the car trunk scene with gorgeous pair George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez. In this acclaimed neo noir film from director Steven Soderbergh (Ocean's Eleven, Erin Brockovich), Clooney's ex-con accidentally bumps into Lopez's federal marshall, while in the middle of committing a crime. Uh-oh. So Clooney throws the bodacious Lopez, in mini-skirt, into the trunk and he jumps right in with her and the car, driven by his accomplice, speed off. While inside Lopez, with her back to Clooney, manages to insult him and later, fascinate him. They talk about loads of trivial things, all while feeling their attraction towards each other growing.

Y Tu Mama Tambien (2001)
This wickedly funny, moving, exasperating, memorable movie from director Alfonso Cuaronis well known for its sex scenes. These scenes are quite differentfrom each other, some are hilarious, while others are so realistic, you'll feel like you're intruding. But the sexiest moment in the film is near the end when the boys (Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna) and the sexy older woman Maribel Verdu have come to the end of their road trip and finally found Boca del Cielo, a gorgeous beach. After talking and drinking and dancing, They reach the hut and a menage-a-trois ensues for the audience and the two characters in the movie.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Really, it would have been fantastic if the new Indiana Jones movie had turned out gangbusters. Failing that, a good, solid sequel would have been nice - proof that a handsomely graying collection of world-class cinematic entertainers, both behind and in front of a defiantly non-digital camera, were right to haul out the fedora and the bullwhip for one more adventure.But the movie with the title that does not know when to quit, "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," does not know when to quit. Nor does it extract much fun from a cockamamie story provided by George Lucas involving aliens, the lost golden city of El Dorado, the Red Menace and the greaser-kid (played by Shia LaBeouf) Indy never knew he had (though the globe-trotting archeologist is certainly the last in the film to figure that out).Even with Cate Blanchett refusing to blink even once and Natasha Fatale-ing her way through the role of a Soviet mind-control expert with the worst haircut since Ish Kabibble, "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" is so nervous about falling into the quicksands of camp that it forgets to deliver a good time. "Same old, same old," mutters Harrison Ford during a pause in the derring-do in this disappointingly humorless sequel, which premiered in an out-of-competition slot Sunday at the Cannes Film Festival. Same old, same old is right.Nineteen years have passed since "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade," which apparently now must be retitled "Indiana Jones and the Second-to-Last Crusade," sent Indy and his dad, played by Sean Connery, off into the sunset. Connery did not return for "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," but Karen Allen is back as Indy's sparring partner, Marion, the one who ran the Himalayan saloon and never quit arguing. She and Indy pick right up where they left off, arguing.The new film begins in 1957 Nevada. On an Air Force nuclear test site, the Russians force a kidnapped Indy and his colleague (played by Ray Winstone) to locate a crystal skull inside a vast warehouse (holding that "Raiders of the Lost Ark" thingie, still). The crystal skull comes from Out There - take that, upcoming "X Files" movie! - and holds the key to eternal power and limitless knowledge. The rest of the skulls are down south, so Indy and his nemeses hightail it down to Peru, down the Amazon, down into sand pits, anthills with giant speedy killer ants, over three waterfalls, one after another.There's no lack of activity in "Crystal Skull." Its soundstage interiors (mixed in with the location shooting) carry a reassuringly fakey air, and they are lit by cinematographer Janusz Kaminski with so much pearly white light, the characters threaten to turn into Stanley Kubrick's Star Children. But in between frenetic action scenes, you have to endure treasure-hunting exchanges such as the malt-shop dialogue between Indy and the kid, Mutt (LaBeouf), whose first appearance on a motorcycle rips off Brando in "The Wild One." The dialogue doesn't even try to make its story points with any flair. "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Exposition" is more like it.That sequence devolves into a greasers-versus-jocks melee that director Steven Spielberg cuts away from as quickly as possible. The film's best action sequence follows, however, and tellingly it's also the simplest, involving Ford and LaBeouf on a motorcycle being pursued by Russkies. For five minutes, "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" relies on old-style kinetics and a couple of sharply executed stunts involving Indy climbing off and on the motorcycle.That scene knows what it's doing, but a lot of the picture veers uneasily between solemnity and slapstick and 47 different genres. One second we're treated to Russians on fire, a few seconds later, it's comic-relief reaction shots of computer-generated prairie dogs. Indy stumbles onto a nuclear test site (echoes of the old Mickey Rooney vehicle from the '5 s, "The Atomic Kid") and survives an A-bomb attack. Queasy stuff, and Spielberg's touch is unsure, something's off in this scene. It doesn't jibe with attempts at old-school cliffhanging, such as Blanchett's "Captain Blood" duel with LaBeouf. By the time Blanchett's suffering the wrath of aliens, those who remember "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (1981) may be thinking: been there, melted that.And John Hurt! As the addlebrained holy fool who guides his old pal Indy to where the skulls are, he must say with a straight face: "No more forever waiting. Soon now." So they couldn't get Connery, but they made room for Yoda? "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" is not slovenly in terms of craft, but this script fails its interpreters utterly. Indiana Jones - let's be honest - never was a memorable movie character. He was, however, a sturdy vessel for our nostalgia, and for Spielberg's ability to shine up old serialized goods. This time, same old, same old. Would that sequel No. 3 were as stylish as that fedora.